I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize