Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
