I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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