Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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