We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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