I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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