I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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