This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
