Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
