Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
