i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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