Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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