he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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