Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize