I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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