I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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