he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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