i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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