He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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