I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
