All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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