That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
