just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
