Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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