This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
