did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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