Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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