all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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