the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize