we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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