You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
