Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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