My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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