The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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