You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize