did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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