New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
