I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
