I just saw a hot homeless man
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
