just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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