I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
