I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
