Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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