i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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