My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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