I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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