there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
