I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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