she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
