i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
