he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
