Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
