nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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