i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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