Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
